Even After 16 Years

I can still remember it vividly exactly 16 years and 2 days today. How that day was so odd I felt like something terrible is about to happen, going home to housemates who were looking weirdly at and strangely extra nice to me, how im starting to like the burnt rice i’ve been cooking to what seems like forever but at the same time I wonder when my parents will be back so I can finally eat some decent food – they have been in the hospital for a week – only to find out one of them wouldn’t make it.

I was about to sleep when I heard someone sobbing, it was around 10pm, I nervously opened the door to our near matchbox size room to see my mother crying. She couldn’t bear to tell me the news but otherwise did it. My father is gone. I was so shocked I cannot think straight. My grandmother was with her and she told me the same thing… “your father is gone, how would your life be?” You know that feeling when something hits you and you are thinking this is the worst possible version of reality? That’s how it was receiving the news of your father passing. It was – so far – the scariest night of my life.

It’s not only in near death that one can experience their whole life flashing or maybe its my own form of near death…I tried to filter out memories that was once so pretty and joyful but has now become a painful reminder of how fun and simple life was back then when your parents meant everything to you and vice versa. It was like Sadness touching on my yellow memory capsules turning it to blue.

I remember trying so hard not to cry, I was putting on a fake brave show just so I don’t need to answer my grandma’s question. It’s me saying maybe we’ll be fine. But after years of his passing, I regret not doing so. I should have just cried my eyes out. It is, up until now one of the things I regret most in my life, the other one was not going to the hospital to see him.

My father and I, we were once the batman and robin of father-daughter relationships until life happened and got the best of him. But that’s not to say I hated him after that. He’s still my batman, that oftentimes when I achieve something I would ask him in silence if he is proud of me or was he happy how far I’ve come. And when I did something terrible I would wonder how disappointed he’d be of me and perhaps hide from his heavenly colleagues just to avoid embarassment. I can only wonder and assume that even from beyond the heavenly portals he’s still got my back.

So, to the first man I loved, how are you? I almost never see you in my dreams anymore when you appeared so often before. Are you seeing another woman again? Haha! But in all seriousness, I know that most of the beautiful things I have, I was given because you prayed along with me, please just continue to do so. Have you seen how adorable my girls are? Im sure they’d love you too. If you were  here I know you’d be that cool grandpa who would spoil them until their teeth hurt haha, just like my husband, I guess that that’s the reason you don’t check on me as often, you know I am in good hands. Well I am, most of the time… but that’s what marriage is about right? Also, you have left such an enormous task of taking care of your wife, which I have no complaints whatsoever it’s just that she still eats so much pork and eventually whines about headaches which turns out to be due to cholesterol. You should have left some inheritance just to fair out the playing field, haha! But all in all I am fine, we are fine just in case you need some verbal confirmation.

16 years has passed. I now have my own family and I can see how much my kids adore my husband. I cannot blame them. Having a father who understood you, gave you nearly everything you want, including chocolate and ice cream; which your mother, would never even let you get a glimpse of, is as perfect as perfect can get. That’s why eventhough sometimes it saddens me how they’d choose mi esposo over me, I’m fine with it because I was and will forever be, my father’s daughter.

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