Am I Selfish?

When my husband and I were still dating, we had a fight so huge he actually told me that the world doesn’t revolve around me. Because I was equally furious, I didn’t give a sh*t on what he said and just moved on with my life and eventually slept. After calming down and giving it some thought, I asked myself “am I really that selfish?”

I grew up in a place where I didn’t have much people to care for or feelings to think about. I was alone most of the time. In fact, one of my earliest memories was when I asked my parents to teach me my lessons in school and wondered why they taught my older sister but not me – they told me it’s because I can handle it myself and it was my sister who needs the teaching more. How can a five year old handle studying a quarter’s lesson for the following day’s exam? I don’t know. I just did as I was told and perhaps it was their way of saying I am smart? I don’t want to know either, I’d like to believe it’s the latter hihi. I of course would still ask for help once in a while but my feeling was that I can always handle things myself and I don’t need anyone in my life and since I don’t need anyone, it should be the people around me who would adjust and fit into my little bubble.

My sister passed away when I was 8 and my father passed away when I was 15 so it was just me and my mother – our worlds revolved around each other (or atleast I thought it was that) but then she was busy taking care of that business called single parenting; a business which I highly appreciate and am grateful for. When my mother would buy me things like paper, pen, crayon (you know the stuff you use at school) she would remind me not to share so much of my things because we didn’t have money. Ofcourse she was right, things are very expensive and I would hurt my mother financially if I share so I didn’t. Was I selfish? Yes, but for a good reason.

Despite being “virtually” alone I didn’t find my life lonely because I was also busy taking care of my business called growing up – I had school, I had friends, I was thinking if I’d be able to go to college, how do I earn money, what is it that I want to do for the rest of my life so I’d be a millionaire as early as possible etcetera etcetera. I remember getting a summer job in the biggest mall chain in the Philippines as a saleslady – I took that job mainly because I wanted to wear makeup everyday lols. Money was just secondary. I earned good money then, enough to save (yes there was a time when I know how to save) enough to treat my mother to some good food once in a while, enough to buy a better brand of makeup. So in one of the paydays, I bought a good brand and didn’t want to share my makeup. Was I selfish? Yes because it was totally unhygienic to share your makeup! OMG! (can you imagine sharing your facial oil and dirt to someone else? :P)

So I finished school and got a job and found new friends. They would try to persuade me into going out once in a while but I would almost always say no. Was I selfish to not share my time (or even money) with them? Yes, because I’d rather spend my time at home with my mother; I hate the idea of her being alone – it’s scary. If you’ve lost a parent you will know what I mean, either that or I’m plain paranoid about people being gone in an instant. Was I selfish really? Yes because I’d rather spend my money on my mother, no one else will do it for her.

I got a job in Singapore and lived here, albeit I was with my then boyfriend now husband I still felt alone. I have more things to worry like how do I not lose my job here, how do I pay for the house I bought, how’s my mother doing alone back home, how do I befriend people who don’t get my humour, why am I here for – I thought so much that if something goes wrong with my plan, I snap and go berserk. The day of our fight was one of those days. Was I selfish to be just thinking about my plan to go smoothly without thinking about my boyfriend’s feeling? Yes, because I am a woman 😛 (no justifiable reason, just being a bitch haha)

No matter how much I think about it, being selfish isn’t something I am proud of, especially now that I am a mother and that I know deep inside I have gone so far from being that to being selfless that’s why it pains me to hear being told, just recently, that I still have this air of having the world revolve around me. Really?! I am a wife, mother, daughter, employee, human. I sometimes do not have time for myself because I am trying to be all that and more. Maybe once you are in my shoes please give me a bitch slap if I am still that person you used to know…

I am not trying to convince myself that I am a good person because I am not and that there are reasons behind my every actions. I am also not blaming that circumstances that made me that way. Just like my starbucks cup, I thought that I made myself clear but people would still perceive me to be the person they want to perceive me. It is what it is selfish and all. Am I selfish? I don’t know. I’d rather not know. 😉

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